The worst type of feeling is when you disappoint yourself. And worse than that, being in the midst of the disappointing activity and being unable to stop yourself.
Now, I'm very familiar with this sensation, thought thankfully not so much these days. But today was different.
Let me prefix this by confessing that I am often very foolish when it comes to affairs with the opposite sex. Gullible, naive, trusting, blind are a few of the words that one might use to describe me with matters of the heart. And so naturally I've probably been taken advantage of more times than I wish to count. In retrospect, everything that happened was probably in my hands to avert, had I been smarter, less trusting and more cognizant I could have avoided most of the tribulations but hindsight…
Without going into too much detail, last year, after swearing off men and relationships forever, I ended up with what you might call a boyfriend. You know how sometimes life seem to be going so well you wonder if it can be improved in some way? This was what led me to Bumble and the so called boyfriend, around whom the red flags were waving manically in the wind from day one but, I chose to ignore them, reasoning I was just being paranoid, and living in the past and rushing to judgment without giving someone new a chance.*
Some months went by and finally it was too much to ignore and so, thinking long and hard about how best to extricate myself safely, I was successful, though I had to forfeit some of my belongings in the process as in a last ditch attempt to ‘hurt me’ in whatever way possible he chose to select my favorite (and most expensive) items of clothing to keep..for himself…why, I don’t know. But it could have been worse so I cant complaint too much. Still, I was upset for a while, and maybe still was, until today.
You know how when somebody does something bad to you you console yourself with the idea that it could have been much worse? But in the midst of your gratitude you find yourself fantasizing about their demise...
What goes around comes around right? So if you did something bad to warrant person X doing something bad to you, then ultimately they too will get their just deserts in the end? That’s how it goes?
Maybe. But hopefully you would have learned the lesson, moved on with your life and forgotten about them completely. So when what goes around does in fact come around you’d be none the wiser because by then, bygones would be bygone.
But what if by some twist of fate you get to see this so called karma in action?
What if someone did something kind of bad, or extremely bad to you, and soon enough after, before you had a chance to fully move on from the event and forget about them, you are blessed to witness them in the throes of misfortune.
This comeuppance has nothing to do with you but as luck (aka Facebook) would have it, you find out about it and can watch from the comfort and safety of your home, the enemy going down in flames.
It starts with a gasp of incredulity.
What? No way!!!!
Then it turns to a chuckle, and finally an all out cackle.
And then you catch yourself.
This person is suffering. Bahahahaha.
This is really bad.
This makes me a bad person.
Why am I delighting in the misfortune of others?
*google schnadenfreude to see how you actually spell it.*
Find out the correct spelling is schadenfreude.
Remember what they did to you.
Feel sorry for yourself.
Feel sorry for them.
Catch yourself feeling sorry for a monster.
Laugh with abandon.
Laugh with more abandon until you’re so thirsty you have to get up and drink a glass of water.
Feel bad while quenching your thirst.
Put pen to paper to try to work it out.
You know how when you’re in an argument with someone and you know you are right but you can’t seem to express yourself adequately. Then the next day in the shower you find all the words you wish you had then, and reconstruct the argument this time with you winning it?
You know how, when you’re in a bad situation and don’t have the smarts to work your way out of it so you end up on the losing side, then a week later you’re alternating between wishing you had done X instead of Y and trying to figure out if you can get revenge somehow? And feeling disappointed because you know you're not that type of person, to put plans into action to actually seek said revenge.
And then you see karma in action.
Being human isn’t easy. Not only because we oftentimes have to make hard choices and difficult decisions, but sometimes we see ourselves in a light that isn’t the most flattering. Maybe we pride ourselves on being kind and gracious and then something happens and we behave in the most unkind manner. And even if nobody is there to witness the misbehavior you can’t hide from yourself.
Self disappointment is the worst kind of disappointment.
But, still, we have to realize we are human, and though it is good to strive for perfection, realizing that we will fall short and trying to improve notwithstanding, isn’t that what it means to live and learn?
Last year I was in a relationship with a man who wasn’t very nice at all. In fact he was a very bad person. And he did some things to me that were not very kind. Today I found out that he is potentially, let’s just say in a lot of really big trouble. At first I was shocked. Then I felt gleeful. I was alone at home and so laughed out loud like a maniac. I felt somehow that ‘justice’ was served, in some weird type of way. But what is justice anyway? I don’t know.
Now that I’ve looked at myself in a mirror in the form of writing this piece, I feel convicted by my reaction but maybe I can chalk it up to simply being human?
A few hours have passed and as I wrap this up, I don’t feel so happy about what I found out anymore, I don’t feel sad either, just indifference.
Is this what it means to move on?